Does making peace with a past relationship always mean apologizing to the other person?

Reconciliation does not always require apologizing to the other person. Sometimes you can find a suitable opportunity to say what was not made clear then and listen to what each of you was thinking. If you owe an apology, try to offer it. At other times, what you need is to make peace with yourself.

Hurt and guilt left by family, sibling or other relationships may still be carried in your heart. Reconciliation is more than telling someone verbally that it is all right. It means gradually understanding those feelings and practicing letting them go. This often takes repeated practice.

YOYO and I have discussed how people sometimes become what they once strongly resisted. We therefore need to look back at how past memories still affect us. Our parents may have had limitations and been unable to give us enough companionship then. As adults, however, we can gradually learn to make our own way. Understanding this does not mean accepting responsibility for every wrong the other person committed. It helps us see more clearly and remain less trapped in old emotions.

While thinking about decluttering, YOYO also reflected on past relationships. Some classmates and colleagues had once been close, but contact later ended, leaving her with regret. Looking back, she thought perhaps she had not been mature or courageous enough to explain things clearly, maintain the relationship well or end it properly.

Later, YOYO prayed to the deities and Buddhas for wisdom and courage to face what had happened. If conditions and opportunities allowed in the future, she hoped to bring greater resolution to that relationship. Or perhaps understanding it would help her gradually let go. This was YOYO’s experience of facing regret. The point is willingness to face it, not requiring yourself to find every old friend before a farewell can count as complete.

Miao Yuan once shared meeting a former elementary school classmate who had often bullied her, in a McDonald’s after they had grown up. She initially walked away, then returned to say hello. Both remembered each other, but their present interaction was no longer like the days when a line was drawn on the desk that the other person was forbidden to cross. This was Miao Yuan’s own reunion. It led us to discuss how the person in our memories may differ from the person we meet now.

To understand the past, choose an appropriate time and see whether the other person is willing to talk. If not, you can first work through your own feelings about it. Reconciliation does not always bring an explanation from the other person. What matters is gradually distinguishing your memories of that time from what is actually happening now.