Does refusing to answer violence with violence mean I cannot clarify a grievance or defend my rights?

No. Refusing violence does not prevent explaining what needs explanation. When conduct is excessive or involves litigation, rights still need to be defended. These responses cannot all be labelled negative.

First consider whether you respond to clarify and resolve the matter or because anger makes you want only to insult back and win an argument. Some rumours grow more complicated through repeated explanation; other matters keep affecting you unless addressed. These situations differ. Neither ‘endure’ nor ‘always fight back’ can decide every case.

I have discussed with a listener problems involving an ex-boyfriend’s persistent unwanted contact and litigation, including whether to respond on that occasion and whether further action was needed. First explain what actually happened, then judge the appropriate extent of response. Caring for your feelings can go together with facing practical problems.