How can adults stop when anger is about to turn into hitting a child or using hurtful words?

When anger rises and you are about to strike, stop first. Many things turn on a single moment. Before hitting, you first feel 'I am so annoyed, so angry.' The key is whether you can steady yourself at that moment and prevent an outburst. I believe most people can hold back before losing their temper. An argument with a child does not need to end in violence; it is better not to strike.

Why stop just before acting? There are several reasons. Discussing news of adults hurting children, we said people usually hesitate before the first blow, but once they begin they may not stop. Regret often comes only afterward. Do not think, 'It will only be this once.' Domestic violence protections usually operate afterward; at the instant you strike, no one can help you. Family members' conduct can leave lifelong wounds and trauma. I have encountered many such cases in my work, and it is not worth the cost. A hurt child still wants their parents when upset. Being struck indiscriminately makes their situation terribly sad.

When emotions rise, find another perspective or substitute rather than ignite negativity. In my childhood environment, many children swore when upset or ready to explode, and I considered it normal too. My aunt taught us to replace swear words with fruit, such as 'you smelly banana' or 'you rotten apple,' saying this was better. But friends I discussed it with felt swearing was more satisfying and 'smelly banana' had little effect. This method therefore works differently for different people.

Your child is not your enemy. You are family, not mortal enemies with such deep hatred. Consider whether they upset you deliberately or accidentally. If deliberately, why fall into the trap? If accidentally, there is even more reason to forgive, especially a loved one. Return to the source: as a father, should I not protect this child? Why become so angry? I have had moments with my son when his words angered and frustrated me, only to realize later he did not really mean it that way; it was part of his character. I know this is difficult and something learned gradually afterward.

Hitting and scolding do not remove the problem. I have said some adults use hitting for everything yet find it never fixes things; the child still cries and fusses. In quoting articles and online views, the program also said adults striking a child often vent emotions triggered by crying. The child learns anger and rage as ways to handle matters, potentially causing greater difficulties later. A psychologist in the article also reminded us that children absorb adults' uncontrolled scolding. Words matter too: I have said calling a child 'useless' throws negative energy at them, offers no help, and may cause trauma. When the closest people, their parents, withhold support and call them worthless, the child's world may collapse. Parents' emotions pass directly to children. If you want a child to become a certain kind of person, offer a positive example rather than dumping negativity on them.

In terms of energy, people take on the influence of their surroundings. The type of energy you give a child can readily become the type they express. To help children improve, give them good energy yourself.

This is how I see it energetically. From studying chemical engineering, I remember action and reaction: a punch with five kilograms of force brings five kilograms back. To me, this illustrates a universal law that the energy sent out returns. I often ask parents to consider whether angry criticism and scolding frequently bring resistance and anger back from the child. Blame may not work well. Communication that helps children understand their mistake and what is unacceptable matters more.

Where does the anger come from? I have said common sources of adults' emotional problems include work difficulties, daily or financial pressure, and relationship or marital problems. Address these; hitting children or family members when emotional does not remove the original problem. While rational, work to recognize that it is wrong. The article's psychologist also said that before receiving a child's emotions, ensure you can handle them without making things worse. If you are already stressed and the child triggers it, arguments and violence may follow. So if you are not calm, do not rush to handle the child's emotions, since you may only be triggered yourself.

I am not perfect either. Under financial pressure when young, I was not a perfect father. Once I did something to my son that I considered very unacceptable. When he was older and I wanted to apologize, he no longer remembered it. I have also said that before spiritual practice, with childhood wounds unresolved, raising my voice at my children was quite possible. New parents are not perfect, but under great pressure, steady yourself and relieve stress first. Do not let crying ignite your pressure and then send the negativity back through violence. Mishandling it may leave wounds in the child's heart.

If there are two adults at home and one loses control, the other needs to remain steady. An online view quoted on the program said parents should remain unmoved by a child's crying rather than be pulled along emotionally. If the father also loses control, the mother must hold steady so both return to reason. We also discussed asking the father to leave first and letting the mother communicate properly with the child as a potentially better approach than letting the father's triggered negativity lead to hitting. Negative added to negative only becomes more negative.

Sometimes this is more than temper; illness is involved. The program mentioned a friend's mother described as having depression. When emotional she hit the child, then cried and apologized, saying she loved them, but repeated the hitting next time. The program viewed this as an elder genuinely being ill and needing medical assistance. It is painful, but must be faced bravely; otherwise the child might eventually despair too. Another episode said professional medical or other assistance may be necessary when family problems exceed your present ability to manage. Some people strike whenever drunk. I have asked whether they could stop drinking, while noting they may already be addicted and hit whenever they drink.

Adults under overwhelming pressure also need to know they can ask for help. I have said that when you feel upset and want to hit someone, recognize that negative emotions may be influencing you and do not let them control you. When pressure exceeds what you can face, know where help is available. Society still has many supportive resources and there are ways forward; do not begin by assuming the worst. We discussed news of an elder raising a grandchild alone and said that early guidance about social assistance when unable to provide care might have changed events.

I have not always discussed this in identical terms, and that should also be recorded here. In an earlier episode, I said I had hit my son before but not my daughter. I also said habitual daily hitting was already illness, perhaps a psychological illness. Later episodes said loud scolding and public hitting were bad and finding balance in discipline was difficult. Another said it was better not to strike at all.