Does a muted initial response to a relative’s death mean I did not care enough?

Having little reaction when first hearing that a relative has died does not mean the bond was not deep. When I lost my grandmother, I too felt little at first. Only later, at the funeral, when I saw my family’s grief, did I truly grasp that she had gone.

My grandmother died when I was in my second year of junior high school. We lived together when I was little, and she loved me dearly. Whenever my mother was about to hit me, I only had to shout for Grandma and she would come to rescue me. When I heard on the telephone that she had died, perhaps I was still too young to truly understand what it meant.

At the funeral, seeing my father’s deep sadness and recalling all the moments of life with my grandmother brought the grief flooding in. It was my first deep experience of parting through death. Even after so long, I still feel sad when I think of her. Some feelings become clearer only as what has happened gradually becomes real to us.