How can I handle anger and resentment?

First notice your anger and find a way to calm down instead of immediately throwing the emotion back. Anger affects judgment and can turn a small unpleasantness into harm that is difficult to undo. The aversion discussed in spiritual practice includes not only sudden rage but also complaining, jealousy, cursing, blaming everything, and finding fault with all you see. In traffic, being overtaken, hearing a horn, or even feeling someone is glaring at you can prompt an insult that triggers the other person's anger. A few words can become an argument or fight. Scolding may not relieve your anger, while the situation keeps growing.

I discussed a news story about a road dispute that began with aggressive driving and blocking another vehicle, then became physical and caused injuries. One person eventually died and the other faced legal action. What struck me was that both wanted to prove themselves right in the moment, yet the cost far exceeded the original unpleasantness. Inside a car, feeling that your right of way has been violated or that you have been provoked can make you want to fight back. The same thing elsewhere might not make you so angry. The road can be like a place of spiritual training, showing how attachment to the self is stirred.

I have experienced this myself. Once, I was slowly turning out of a driveway with my indicator on, but a car behind kept honking. After I parked, the person followed and scolded me for not knowing how to drive. From my perspective at the time, there had been no collision, fast overtaking, or crossing of double yellow lines, so I did not feel I had done anything wrong. Later I wondered whether the person had not noticed and was startled into anger, but that was only my guess.

I was angry too, wondering why I was being scolded for no apparent reason. But I did not keep arguing and walked away. The person followed and shouted for a while, stopping only when I reached a more crowded place. Later I joked with students about how embarrassing it would be if a Fu Mo teacher made the news for fighting. Joking aside, the experience helped me understand more deeply how trading one remark after another can escalate a conflict.

That is why I value patient forbearance and refraining from contention. Being able to argue does not mean having to take the argument to the end. Winning may create further entanglements; losing may leave you hurt. When both sides are angry and believe they are right, more words may not clarify anything. Noticing your anger and choosing not to throw negativity back is, to me, an expression of strength.

The greatest concern is anger that remains untransformed while someone loses reason. They may throw things, hurt themselves, or become intent on making the other person suffer. Only after calming down do they realize they did not truly hate the person that much, but the action is already done. I use descriptions such as acting like a demon or becoming blinded by rage to remind people not to let anger control their conduct.

Resentment does not always pass quickly either. I watched a film in which a boy held on to hatred after abuse and later sought revenge, taking his life in a harmful direction. It was a film story, but it showed how anger can accumulate for a long time. The saying that revenge can wait ten years reflects this enduring inability to let go. It is not something worth nurturing. Even when anger has a reason, notice where continual insults and curses are taking your heart.

When adjusting my emotions, I ask whether the other person acted deliberately or accidentally. If they deliberately want to anger me, why fall into the trap? If it was accidental, can I forgive? A child bumping into you accidentally and an adult doing it intentionally feel different. Those who understand more can show more consideration for those who do not yet understand. Also learn what you may and may not do, practice steadying the mind, and understand the situation better. These are places to learn ethical discipline, concentration, and wisdom.

One difficult lesson is that the other person doing wrong first does not remove the negative effects of our scolding back. Discussing an example of bullying, I first said that hitting someone was wrong, then reminded people that our own angry verbal abuse is also a form of negative energy. Hurt needs to be faced, and emotions can have appropriate outlets, while we also examine whether our response will cause further harm.

A scene in the film The 8th Night also made me think about resentment. The protagonist's family was killed by a drunk driver, yet the child left by that person lived with him. At the end of the story, he did not continue directing his hatred of the adult toward the child. Watching it, I felt that letting go of resentment echoed the severing of a demonic connection in the film. This was an impression drawn from a movie, prompting us to consider whether resentment still leads us along.

When emotions arise, seek an outlet that does not harm others. I have given examples such as shouting into a pillow or throwing your own pillow. A bad mood does not justify taking it out on uninvolved people. With further practice, try to notice and transform the emotion as it begins, rather than waiting for a full outburst and only then dealing with the aftermath.

I have also honestly shared that despite seriously doing my spiritual practice, very strong negative emotions have sometimes left me close to unable to cope, punching or kicking a wall. Looking back shows how frightening an explosion of anger can be. Knowing that hurting others is wrong gives us all the more reason to steady our thoughts and practice awareness and transformation regularly. We still bear the consequences of our actions. We cannot wait until harm is done and then explain it as a momentary loss of reason.

Sometimes a serious manner is needed without anger necessarily filling the heart. At a taking-refuge ceremony led by Dharma Master Sheng Yen, I saw him authoritatively remind people about order, then speak kindly afterward. It made me consider that a teaching manner and ongoing inner anger can be viewed separately. Still, I could only understand his state of mind from his outward expression.

Nor should silence be mistaken for letting go. Dao Xuan mentioned crying when sad and telling the deities how she felt. I have also gradually learned to express things clearly after being more suppressive in the past. Expressing discomfort clearly and facing its cause differs from enduring it until one day it erupts.

Being right and how to speak can also be practiced separately. As a supervisor or someone teaching work, you can require improvement when someone makes a mistake without letting the entire exchange become scolding. I have said that even justified anger still affects us. The question is more than who is right: apart from being angry, how else can we resolve the problem well?

Dao Xing shared that rushing to correct someone close could leave the matter stated but the mood no better, followed instead by regret for being hasty and failing to consider the other person. Later, Dao Xing began thinking first about how to speak so both sides could listen and the issue could be handled well. This is lifelong practice. Suppressing every emotion does not by itself mean we are calm.

However, refraining from a negative counterattack is different from being forbidden to protect yourself. Some matters need clarification, and they should be explained. Where litigation or actual rights are involved, you should still pursue what needs pursuing. I have discussed these situations and do not label every act of self-defense as negative. First examine whether the person is addressing the matter or only seeking to hurt someone through anger.

There is no rule that you must always respond or always ignore it either. Some rumors become more confused with explanation, while some harm continues if left unaddressed. Understand the specific events and possible consequences. I have also discussed with a listener harassed by an ex-partner how far to respond. You can gradually release anger inside while still handling necessary matters in real life. You do not have to require yourself to feel no hurt before addressing a problem.